I hadn't realized how much of a Chris Brown fan I was until this fiasco between him and Rihanna jumped off two weeks ago. To me, their's is not the usual cut and dry domestic abuse case, though I do not, under any circumstances, condone the excessive force Chris obviously used against Rihanna, who I'm also a big fan of.
Why isn't this case "cut and dry", you may be asking? Well, a few things come to mind. Usually when we think of domestic violence, it's automatically assumed that it's a stuation of a man beating up on a helpless woman. While that is often the case, it's not always. There are some relationships where the man AND the woman have extremely aggressive and volatile personalities and they just get down like that. Not that I'm saying that's the case for Chris and Rihanna. That part, we'll never know.
What we do know, however, are about the reports of Rihanna trying to control what women Chris had in his company, when she was around or not. Don't get me wrong, that still doesn't excuse his role in the matter. However, a person is only going to allow you to be ALL up his mix when you get good and ready--snatching his phone, slamming his phone or throwing it against something, getting up in his face when you feel he's done something wrong, or smacking him upside the head, etc--before he's had enough.
I can speak on this subject because I've been on both sides of the fence. I've been the victim of a jealous, insecure, first, verbally, then physically abusive boyfriend. I've also been that insecure, controlling, hotheaded woman. In the first situation, for reasons of his own, and maybe some unintentional behavior on my part, the guy just didn't trust me. When I'd tell him I spent the day at my mother's house, he didn't believe it. The nights I didn't let him come over my house, he swore it was because I had someone else over. Whenever my phone rang in his presence, he assumed it was another guy. While that may have been true in some cases, he didn't believe that the relationship was just platonic. As time went on, he started doing crazy stuff like waiting at the corner of my mom's block to see if I was really where I said I was. One night he even broke a key off in my house door so I couldn't get in my house after I refused to tell him my whereabouts, but he pretended he didn't know anything about it. In our arguments he would cuss me out, calling me obscene names, like he never had before. I won't get into the physical incident, only noting that it was unprovoked by me. He just couldn't except that he couldn't have things the way he wanted. Now, what he should have done, if he was mature and rational, was end our relationship. The basic rule is, if you don't trust your mate, for whatever reason, end the relationship for both of your sakes. Both people suffer if you don't.
In the latter situation, I was married and from day one, my husband received phone calls at inappropriate times of night from females. He received text messages, too, that made it very clear to me that he was pretending to be single on the outside of our home. Rather than following the above mentioned rule, I could make him behave. I went through his phone when he slept. I checked his truck and the pockets of his clothes for evidence of wrongdoing. And guess what? Yep, I found it. Like the saying goes, if you look for trouble, you'll find it. Believe me when I say, I cut up like a fool with each incident. He had to at least buy three new phones. And I did worse than that, when my temper really flared. Cussed him out, threw something dangerously close to his head, pushed on him on everything. I was out of control. But that's how it is when you're trying to control someone else and losing control of yourself.
Granted, he never retaliated. But he did come close on one occasion. After he warned and warned me to back up off him, and I kept pushing and pushing and pushing, he finally put his hands around my neck, forcing me down on the bed. "Now, how you like it?" he asked me. Of course, I was freaked out. I didn't that. For one, I'd known him since we were teenagers and we had a previous relationship where I tested his patience and he never lost his cool. This time, he'd had enough. Tell you the truth, I don't think I acted in that manner again after that incident. Luckily for both of us, I realized I was fighting a losing battle and we eventually split.
Now if I would've called the police on him, he may have been arrested. And I don't think it would've mattered if he'd reported all the things I done to him in the past. The property I damaged. The times I'd put my hands on him. After all, I hadn't done anything to bruise him. Domestic violence is all about who puts in that call and the incident at hand.
With that said, yes, Chris Brown is guilty of beating Rihanna up. He beat her up bad. But it is my belief that there have been a string of events in their relationship that has led up to this. The lessons to be learned are: 1) Sometimes you gotta love yourself more than you love another and leave before problems escalate to this magnitude. 2) The only person you can control in any given situation is yourself.
May Chris and Rihanna go on to have successfull careers and lives.
Copyright @ 2009 LA Jefferson
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
What's New for 2009
Like most people, I have composed a list of things to which to improve on for the new year, a.k.a New Year's resolution. Most important to me are keeping a neater house, practicing greater focus on my passions, and managing my finances better (i.e. paying bills on time).
1. Neater house-An associate recently told me that I didn't look like the type who would have a untidy room. "Thank God!" I carry it well, was my first thought. However, it's quite the contrary. My room is never clean. The only times in 2008 that it was clean was when I first put it together and the time my boyfriend was being extra sweet and got everything organized for me. Pitiful, I know. I used to use as an excuse for my untidiness that I was far too busy with my extracurricular life to prioritize cleaning up. Then I played mind games saying that I'd become a "neat freak" if I worried about it too much. Another way I comforted myself was falsely believing that everyone was like me. Over the last few years, I've come to realize how wrong I've been. In fact, a few of my friends talk often about housecleaning and I used to think it was JUST talk. However, when I've been over to their homes, on most all occasions, things have been neat and orderly. So, I know that there is no other reason to excuse my untidiness aside from sheer laziness. But, no more. I will run a tighter ship at home, teaching and enforcing upon my teenage daughter and toddler son, neatness and cleanliness in every room in our home. Laslty, and more importantly, I will restrict my own self from such pleasures of the internet and T.V. until my room is in order.
2. Greater focus on passions-I've been pursuing my dream of being published for almost seven years now. Gladly, I'm just about there. However, there other projects that I have created in my mind and some on paper. My dream is to have it all published, but first, they have to be completed. This year I will be setting aside time each day for my writing endeavors--beginning with the 2nd project I began after completing my novel. I will also be committing more time to networking in this field of writing and publishing beginning with attending montly meetings with the writer's group I'm a member of.
3. Managing finances-When I first began working and living the life of an adult, I used to pay all of my bills on time, the full amount. Then a few years later, as expenses mounted, I started skipping months on bills I considered less important bills like utilities, but maintained timely payments on credit cards and mortgages. Basically, things had become quite overwhelming. My phone/internet and cell phone companies have made so much money off of me for reconnect fees, it's ridiculous! But no more. In 2009, I will be paying my bills, utilities included, on time. And since, I've managed to reduce my debt over the years, that shouldn't be too hard to do.
So as I work hard at maintaining these new life resolutions, I wish everyone well in maintaining there's too.
Til next time,
LA Jefferson
1. Neater house-An associate recently told me that I didn't look like the type who would have a untidy room. "Thank God!" I carry it well, was my first thought. However, it's quite the contrary. My room is never clean. The only times in 2008 that it was clean was when I first put it together and the time my boyfriend was being extra sweet and got everything organized for me. Pitiful, I know. I used to use as an excuse for my untidiness that I was far too busy with my extracurricular life to prioritize cleaning up. Then I played mind games saying that I'd become a "neat freak" if I worried about it too much. Another way I comforted myself was falsely believing that everyone was like me. Over the last few years, I've come to realize how wrong I've been. In fact, a few of my friends talk often about housecleaning and I used to think it was JUST talk. However, when I've been over to their homes, on most all occasions, things have been neat and orderly. So, I know that there is no other reason to excuse my untidiness aside from sheer laziness. But, no more. I will run a tighter ship at home, teaching and enforcing upon my teenage daughter and toddler son, neatness and cleanliness in every room in our home. Laslty, and more importantly, I will restrict my own self from such pleasures of the internet and T.V. until my room is in order.
2. Greater focus on passions-I've been pursuing my dream of being published for almost seven years now. Gladly, I'm just about there. However, there other projects that I have created in my mind and some on paper. My dream is to have it all published, but first, they have to be completed. This year I will be setting aside time each day for my writing endeavors--beginning with the 2nd project I began after completing my novel. I will also be committing more time to networking in this field of writing and publishing beginning with attending montly meetings with the writer's group I'm a member of.
3. Managing finances-When I first began working and living the life of an adult, I used to pay all of my bills on time, the full amount. Then a few years later, as expenses mounted, I started skipping months on bills I considered less important bills like utilities, but maintained timely payments on credit cards and mortgages. Basically, things had become quite overwhelming. My phone/internet and cell phone companies have made so much money off of me for reconnect fees, it's ridiculous! But no more. In 2009, I will be paying my bills, utilities included, on time. And since, I've managed to reduce my debt over the years, that shouldn't be too hard to do.
So as I work hard at maintaining these new life resolutions, I wish everyone well in maintaining there's too.
Til next time,
LA Jefferson
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Better Days are Ahead
Mom and Dad told me a lot of things while I was growing up about what to expect in life. "Marriage isn't easy," said mom. "Never say what you would never do, until you're in a particular situation," said dad. "You have to pay to live," said both. But I don't think they stressed enough just how much I'd have to pay. Even having done most of the right things--finishing high school, graduating college, obtaining a good paying job with benefits, maintaining good credit-- life still has its times of simply being overwhelming.
I've always described my personal financial state as "my head is above water", but in today's economy that is not the safest place to be because the slightest change can sink me. When I reflect over past years, I know my situation has gotten better. I don't use credit cards like I used to. I've curtailed my frivolous spending on clothes, shoes, accessories, personal upkeep considerably. I even started putting an estimated amount of money from that spending towards savings, managing to accumulate an amount that makes me smile. HOWEVER, there is always something lurking behind the scenes to bring my spirits down. Two of those culprits are property taxes and insurance (auto & home). While these are necessary parts of adult life, I oftentimes, am ready to explode over how much of a rip-off they are, ESPECIALLY, if you live in an inner city!
As usual, I sulk for a time, then I pick my head up and look forward to better days. They are coming AND soon. And more importantly, during difficult times we have to learn to see the positive of the situation. For example, although I missed my deadline of age 30, to be credit card debt free, I am down to only two with very manageable balances. See there's a positive. I'll be buying a house mid-2009. A fear I used to have about this was that a larger house would automatically come with a larger mortgage, which would be a struggle if I still had the other debt to contend with. THANKS to the housing market, that won't quite be the case. I should be able to get a bigger house AND pay less that what I'm paying today.
Other pluses in my life are that I've learned it is nothing but the trick of the devil to distract me with all of these financial pressures to keep me from being unproductive with my writing, which is my meal ticket in the near future. With that knowledge, I combat him with the joy of GOD, who has told us in HIS word not to worry about the things of this world. HE'S got us! HE assures that ALL of HIS children's needs are met. WE just have to turn them over to him AND praise HIM!
That being said, I encourage ALL grown ups with grown up RESPONSIBILITIES, to keep your head up and know that better days are ahead.
Copyright @ 2008 LA Jefferson
I've always described my personal financial state as "my head is above water", but in today's economy that is not the safest place to be because the slightest change can sink me. When I reflect over past years, I know my situation has gotten better. I don't use credit cards like I used to. I've curtailed my frivolous spending on clothes, shoes, accessories, personal upkeep considerably. I even started putting an estimated amount of money from that spending towards savings, managing to accumulate an amount that makes me smile. HOWEVER, there is always something lurking behind the scenes to bring my spirits down. Two of those culprits are property taxes and insurance (auto & home). While these are necessary parts of adult life, I oftentimes, am ready to explode over how much of a rip-off they are, ESPECIALLY, if you live in an inner city!
As usual, I sulk for a time, then I pick my head up and look forward to better days. They are coming AND soon. And more importantly, during difficult times we have to learn to see the positive of the situation. For example, although I missed my deadline of age 30, to be credit card debt free, I am down to only two with very manageable balances. See there's a positive. I'll be buying a house mid-2009. A fear I used to have about this was that a larger house would automatically come with a larger mortgage, which would be a struggle if I still had the other debt to contend with. THANKS to the housing market, that won't quite be the case. I should be able to get a bigger house AND pay less that what I'm paying today.
Other pluses in my life are that I've learned it is nothing but the trick of the devil to distract me with all of these financial pressures to keep me from being unproductive with my writing, which is my meal ticket in the near future. With that knowledge, I combat him with the joy of GOD, who has told us in HIS word not to worry about the things of this world. HE'S got us! HE assures that ALL of HIS children's needs are met. WE just have to turn them over to him AND praise HIM!
That being said, I encourage ALL grown ups with grown up RESPONSIBILITIES, to keep your head up and know that better days are ahead.
Copyright @ 2008 LA Jefferson
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Holiday Shopping
It only takes the holiday season to knock one off the wagon of spending cutbacks. It's ironic, though, how throughout the year all of us were struggling with escalated & food costs, people losing their homes and jobs, and such. But as soon as Black Friday came, a surprising number of people found some money to make the total amount spent on that day surpass the amount of last year. Unbelievable! Then again, maybe not. I mean, Black Friday, historically, is the day that the best retail deals of the year occur. That being the case, it's a wonder more people weren't out.
Luckily, I wasn't pressed enough for any particular item that I needed to leave my house at sunset to get in line. But I did venture out at the more reasonable time of 8AM to see what I could make happen for my kids. I have a four year old, who'll be happy with whatever is under the tree for him and a thirteen year old, who knows me well enough to not ask me for an over abundance of things that she know I won't get anyway. LOL! At the conclusion of my outing, I had a reasonably priced digital camera in the requested color of pink and a 2-in-1 Leapster game system with a couple of games that were 1/2 off. Picked up a couple of DVD's for a steal. They may or may not be gifts, but what the heck--they were all under $5.
In addition to to the reasonably priced gifts I got, I also managed to treat myself to a few well-deserved items, like 2 pairs of boots, a butterfly necklace, and a pair of earrings. Oh yeah, and a coat. But that's minor compared to how I used to do it up for ME back in the good ole days.
With 98% of my shopping being done, I've regulated myself back to my mall avoidance tactics to reprogram myself to saving rather than spending. But I must say, the last few weeks have been a blast!
Enjoy and Happy Holidays!
Copyright @ 2008 by LA Jefferson
Luckily, I wasn't pressed enough for any particular item that I needed to leave my house at sunset to get in line. But I did venture out at the more reasonable time of 8AM to see what I could make happen for my kids. I have a four year old, who'll be happy with whatever is under the tree for him and a thirteen year old, who knows me well enough to not ask me for an over abundance of things that she know I won't get anyway. LOL! At the conclusion of my outing, I had a reasonably priced digital camera in the requested color of pink and a 2-in-1 Leapster game system with a couple of games that were 1/2 off. Picked up a couple of DVD's for a steal. They may or may not be gifts, but what the heck--they were all under $5.
In addition to to the reasonably priced gifts I got, I also managed to treat myself to a few well-deserved items, like 2 pairs of boots, a butterfly necklace, and a pair of earrings. Oh yeah, and a coat. But that's minor compared to how I used to do it up for ME back in the good ole days.
With 98% of my shopping being done, I've regulated myself back to my mall avoidance tactics to reprogram myself to saving rather than spending. But I must say, the last few weeks have been a blast!
Enjoy and Happy Holidays!
Copyright @ 2008 by LA Jefferson
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Creating Fit Kids
Here's the scene: Mom has returned home from a vigorous training session at the gym. After showering and changing into lounging clothes, she prepares her dinner of a palm-sized skinless baked chicken breast and green salad. The kids, on the other hand, who've been watching T.V. and playing video games while mom was at the gym, feast on some quickly prepared processed chicken nuggets and french fries, drinking Kool-Aid.
What's wrong with this picture? Everything.
Clearly, mom is handling her fitness business--working out, eating right. But what about the kids? If things continue along that path, these same kids will grow to be unhealthy and unfit adults. And it's mom (and dads), especially those making strides to get their ownselves together, job to guide their kids to health and fitness.
Sure, leading by example will yield long-term benefits as children do learn from observing. However, the here and now is just as, if not, important. Last I checked, the rate for childhood obesity has not decreased in the least bit. Even if your child isn't apart of the epidemic of chld obesity, teaching them early on about health and fitness will ensure they stay that way.
Believe it or not, it's not hard to incorporate your children into your workout routine. It doesn't have to be anything rigorous, like waking the kids up at 5 A.M., making the poor babies do boot camp drills! Simply get them busy somewhere in your schedule. For example, you plan to work out five days a week. On your cardio days, try skipping the gym and taking the kids to a playground or park that, perhaps, has a track that you can run/walk your laps. This is especially easy to do during the spring and summer months. Another option for family cardio fun is playing outdoor games like tennis, badminton, relay races (think parents against kids, females against males, etc).
If you think that sounds easy enough, changing the eating habits of children is even easier. Simply put, they eat what you eat. They eat when you eat. If you've adopted a "no meat" policy in your diet because of the digestion concerns of meat products, why allow your children to partake in it? If you cut off your eating four hours before you go to sleep, why allow your children to eat until they go to sleep. The fact that children have high metabolisms isn't reason enough to allow them to engage in eating habits that we've learned are counterproductive because how children eat as children, they take with them to adulthood until they learn better on their own. Why not teach them now?
I only caution those who participate in fad diets--Atkins, South Beach, etc). If you're on that kick, don't introduce your children to that. Only teach, at the bare minimum, the underlying basis of the diets. Children need to learn how to eat correctly as opposed to the quick fix solutions that fad diets provide.
So as you're running, lunging, bicep curling, and bench pressing your way into a musclebound haven or sleek, feminine-fit beauty don't forget to get your kids on the right track so they'll know early on what you probably had to teach yourself.
@ 2008 by LA Jefferson
What's wrong with this picture? Everything.
Clearly, mom is handling her fitness business--working out, eating right. But what about the kids? If things continue along that path, these same kids will grow to be unhealthy and unfit adults. And it's mom (and dads), especially those making strides to get their ownselves together, job to guide their kids to health and fitness.
Sure, leading by example will yield long-term benefits as children do learn from observing. However, the here and now is just as, if not, important. Last I checked, the rate for childhood obesity has not decreased in the least bit. Even if your child isn't apart of the epidemic of chld obesity, teaching them early on about health and fitness will ensure they stay that way.
Believe it or not, it's not hard to incorporate your children into your workout routine. It doesn't have to be anything rigorous, like waking the kids up at 5 A.M., making the poor babies do boot camp drills! Simply get them busy somewhere in your schedule. For example, you plan to work out five days a week. On your cardio days, try skipping the gym and taking the kids to a playground or park that, perhaps, has a track that you can run/walk your laps. This is especially easy to do during the spring and summer months. Another option for family cardio fun is playing outdoor games like tennis, badminton, relay races (think parents against kids, females against males, etc).
If you think that sounds easy enough, changing the eating habits of children is even easier. Simply put, they eat what you eat. They eat when you eat. If you've adopted a "no meat" policy in your diet because of the digestion concerns of meat products, why allow your children to partake in it? If you cut off your eating four hours before you go to sleep, why allow your children to eat until they go to sleep. The fact that children have high metabolisms isn't reason enough to allow them to engage in eating habits that we've learned are counterproductive because how children eat as children, they take with them to adulthood until they learn better on their own. Why not teach them now?
I only caution those who participate in fad diets--Atkins, South Beach, etc). If you're on that kick, don't introduce your children to that. Only teach, at the bare minimum, the underlying basis of the diets. Children need to learn how to eat correctly as opposed to the quick fix solutions that fad diets provide.
So as you're running, lunging, bicep curling, and bench pressing your way into a musclebound haven or sleek, feminine-fit beauty don't forget to get your kids on the right track so they'll know early on what you probably had to teach yourself.
@ 2008 by LA Jefferson
Monday, June 9, 2008
Kudos to dad!
After a very quiet, relaxing weekend, without the kids in tow, I made a point to begin this Monday morning on the right foot--at the gym. Not that I over indulged in fast food or junk food this weekend, but mainly because the week before I only managed to see the inside of the gym once. And that's just not acceptable for my 3-day minimum goal.
Before I began my warmup on the treadmill, I remembered my trainer reminding me that I need to stretch before I begin exercising, which I rarely do. I just kinda jump in there, hence a lot of soreness. I've got to remember I'm not the spring chicken that I used to be. So as I stand to the side of the track stretching, this young girl walks past me, commenting on my apparel, "Pink is one of my favorite colors." I respond politely, "Thank you", noticing how young she looked, maybe 12. But my limited time in the morning in ticking away, so I hurry to the treadmill. At the 8 min mark of my warmup, my attention is grabbed by another young person. A little young cutie peeping through a small space between the weights and cardio machines. I'm always looking through that space for whatever bulging muslces I might see to make my workout even more worthwhile. None that morning, but I couldn't help smiling at the handsome young guy, reminding me of an older version of my own son.
Then it dawns on me how early it is, seeming that I'm normally an evening gym patron. But it wasn't even seven o'clock yet. I'm thinking, "What are these kids doing here this early?" During my toning session on the machines, I would learn that the children, brother and sister, albeit, were with their father. And my heart just smiled :) Adoringly, I watched the boy working the tricep machine. From the strain across his face, he was obviously using all his might, lifting more weight than my grown self. Nonetheless, he made it through the set under his father's watchful eye. I didn't notice the girl on any of the machines, but she kept a steady pace walking around the track, probably complimenting other ladies on their workout apparel.
I was so touched that this father was instilling in his children the importance of exercising, so much so that he had them there even before the school bell rang. Now I can't say what the exact circumstance was this morning. Maybe he had his children from his bi-wknd visit with them. Maybe he's a fulltime, custodial dad. Whatever the case, the father obviously prioritizes exercising in his weekly schedule and I was proud to see that he involved his children in that important part of his life.
No matter what the circumstance that brought those children to the gym on this beautiful Monday morning, it will be an experience they'll alway remember. Special time with dad if nothing else. And the fact that they were being exposed to physical fitness at this time in their life, even if they pull away from it, the foundation has been created and they'll more than likely return to it later in their adult lives.
Kudos to dad!
Before I began my warmup on the treadmill, I remembered my trainer reminding me that I need to stretch before I begin exercising, which I rarely do. I just kinda jump in there, hence a lot of soreness. I've got to remember I'm not the spring chicken that I used to be. So as I stand to the side of the track stretching, this young girl walks past me, commenting on my apparel, "Pink is one of my favorite colors." I respond politely, "Thank you", noticing how young she looked, maybe 12. But my limited time in the morning in ticking away, so I hurry to the treadmill. At the 8 min mark of my warmup, my attention is grabbed by another young person. A little young cutie peeping through a small space between the weights and cardio machines. I'm always looking through that space for whatever bulging muslces I might see to make my workout even more worthwhile. None that morning, but I couldn't help smiling at the handsome young guy, reminding me of an older version of my own son.
Then it dawns on me how early it is, seeming that I'm normally an evening gym patron. But it wasn't even seven o'clock yet. I'm thinking, "What are these kids doing here this early?" During my toning session on the machines, I would learn that the children, brother and sister, albeit, were with their father. And my heart just smiled :) Adoringly, I watched the boy working the tricep machine. From the strain across his face, he was obviously using all his might, lifting more weight than my grown self. Nonetheless, he made it through the set under his father's watchful eye. I didn't notice the girl on any of the machines, but she kept a steady pace walking around the track, probably complimenting other ladies on their workout apparel.
I was so touched that this father was instilling in his children the importance of exercising, so much so that he had them there even before the school bell rang. Now I can't say what the exact circumstance was this morning. Maybe he had his children from his bi-wknd visit with them. Maybe he's a fulltime, custodial dad. Whatever the case, the father obviously prioritizes exercising in his weekly schedule and I was proud to see that he involved his children in that important part of his life.
No matter what the circumstance that brought those children to the gym on this beautiful Monday morning, it will be an experience they'll alway remember. Special time with dad if nothing else. And the fact that they were being exposed to physical fitness at this time in their life, even if they pull away from it, the foundation has been created and they'll more than likely return to it later in their adult lives.
Kudos to dad!
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